Thursday February 9 2017
My whole life I’ve told myself that my feelings aren’t as important as others. I’ve repetitively told people that I was fine because I was afraid of opening up, but that only caused a bigger conflict within myself. He used to tell me that I didn’t fight enough when we were together but I did. I swam, I swam 12 oceans and drowned in every single one of them, and each time the water seeped into my lungs and the fish started swimming in my bloodstream, I spat it all up, looked at him in the eyes and said “nothing is wrong” and continued swimming. But I am no longer a life raft; I will not pop in the middle of the ocean when he needs me and when it is convenient for him. I will make it to the shore alive and when I do, I wont have to speak because my eyes will express to you that I made it on my own and that “I am fine.”
Eventually, the tide will lower and you will reach the shore the same way I did. You will find yourself lying down in the sand taking a deep breath and filling your lungs with fresh air while looking up at the baby blue sky. Your thoughts assemble. All the people you ever loved, all the people who ever hurt you and all the people who you have hurt align perfectly in the clouds. That’s when you come to peace with yourself. You get up, wipe off the sticky sand from your body and walk away from the ocean. I’ve realized that not everything is supposed to turn into something beautiful and long lasting. Sometimes people come into our lives to show us our potential, to teach us to love ourselves, or maybe just someone to walk with at night and spill our secrets to. We cannot run from our feelings, instead we must learn how to integrate them into our life and let them guide us. The process of our feelings and each experience, memory and feeling stays engraved in our minds throughout our life and that’s what shapes us. The secret to reaching that is to silence the mind, let the heart heal, be at peace and remember that everything happens for a reason. We need to find serenity and healing in our mind and that can only be reached through the acceptance of ones self after going through so much hardship.