Letter to Past Self (Joey)

You will hear that this girl finds you attractive, hot, however it is put. Don’t think too much of it. For one thing, it could be a rumor, but also, physical attraction is as meaningless as the First Amendment.

She might Facebook message you, Snapchat message you, or WhatsApp you, asking for homework help or even asking if you need help with homework. For the time being, take it as a gesture of generosity, and nothing else. Do not be flirtatious, even though she might be doing so. And, if your dumbass needs help with homework, just to be safe, ask someone else. Again, for the time being, be polite and say “No, but thank you”. Please.

The next day, you’ll have a class with her, or multiple classes. On the corner of your eye, you can see her taking peeks at you. Do not reciprocate. Look in front of you. Make signals indicating that you are going out of your way to make it seem that you are not interested.

This next one could cause some unnecessary awkwardness. She’ll probably start to speak about some of your favorite interests, in front of her friends, teachers, or maybe even you. For example, if you’re a fan of the New York Knicks, she might say “Oh, Carmelo Anthony was amazing in last nights game!”. Or, maybe even, if you’re a fan of the Super Mario games, she’ll tell her friends in a really loud voice (if you’re within 30 feet of her): “We should play Mario Kart tonight!”. This is the final clue to figuring out that she has a thing for you, in case you haven’t already noticed.

I’m glad you haven’t put this book down yet. It means that you care about your emotional wellbeing.

Then, her friends are going to intervene. “Hey, you should, like, totally ask her out, she really like you”. You know what you’re supposed to respond with?: “Really?”. Find out yourself if she actually has feelings for you. I cannot stress enough that when your are let down emotionally, it feels physical. So don’t risk anything.

Do not let your guard down. Girls will do whatever it takes to mend your mind into a pretzel. Don’t give in unless she literally makes out with you. Remember that once you tend to show that you have feelings as well, she might curve you. Be careful. Please