Adrianna Hinsey
Eating Disorder Persona

Fragile, withered, pale, sickly is how the world sees me and yeah I know that, I can sense the judgment. Fat, disgusting, ugly is how I feel about myself, or maybe its just my mind screaming at me again. It never seems to stop. When looking at myself in the mirror I realize my frail brown hair that just reaches my collar bone now. My face its sunken in but it emphasis my cheek bones so I am okay with that. Also I see how my skin stretches, its disgusting and I hate it. My skin tells my story; it screams my past and every time I look at it I get more depressed. Well my skin won’t tell you my story, but I will.
When growing up me being the oldest I always had the pressure of being the leader. The one my little sisters can rely on and look up too. It’s a lot more burden than you would think on someone who was 10. At this time I was at a heavier weight than most kids my age. I thought I looked fine, but than I would hear the “do you really need that” or “you don’t need to eat that much your just going to end up gaining more weight.” After a while of hearing this it hit me that yes I don’t need to eat that much, or perhaps at all. Perfection is key, to my sisters, my parents, friends, I had to be the perfect child as my parents thought I was. It went from eating more than an average 12 year old, to eating at a normal rate, and than when 14 hit I found myself eating a handful of almonds a day and being worried that it will go straight to my thighs. Sad I know, but it felt so good and right at the time. My family thought I looked so good and how I finally lost weight and to be honest despite the way I was doing it I felt good about myself also.
Once I got older, life didn’t seem as easy as when I was 14 and started loosing weight and everyone being so happy. Getting older when dealing with something like this eventually gets worse, scary, and dark. I started throwing up to be skinny, people would notice but act as if they didn’t. I would get a sort of amusement after I would do it, it was a rush like no other. Nobody knew. At the age of of 17-18 I found myself nonchalantly walking to the farthest bathroom from my family, turning on the water faucet, sometimes I would play music, tie my music up and just do it. My fingers would be so bruised from forcing myself to do what I never realized what was killing me. It never stopped and the feeling never went away despite the amusement. I started to look scary to everyone who loved me but they were also to scared to say anything. It was an endless loop of disappointment and worry, but nothing was resolved and I am here as a 19 yearly girl who has an eating disorder.
In my series of pictures I used a mixture of firstness and secondness to show what is going is going on but still have the viewer intrigued about what exactly is going on. Many of my pictures that show firstness are blown up to show the specific detail but yet your mind wonders to what exactly it is. My other photos show seconds by showing my surroundings and myself but at a minimal level.