Dear Yubin,
Hello, I hope you are doing well!
I am writing to you to share my critique for your memoir essay entitled, “The Master of Hide-and-Seek”, which overall was solid and revealed a tone of love for your family. I really enjoyed the details you included when describing your hometown, Haworth, although I wished you included imagery when describing the appearance of your home and your neighborhood. More specifically, when you mention that the house was built in the 1920’s, maybe explain what the architecture of the house is like.
In the second paragraph you provide in depth details about the interior of your kitchen, I really got a sense of what the room meant to you. Later in the essay, you describe the moment you discovered the hidden compartment in your pantry, I would’ve liked to read more about what that looked like. Following that discovery, the hide and seek game narrative ends a little abrupt. The last two paragraphs are full of similes that provide the reader with descriptive detail such as, “I sweated like a melting Popsicle on a hot summer day.”, this describes your physical state during hide and seek but not what you were thinking.
The last three sentences slightly make it unclear on what place meant the most, was it the kitchen of the pantry? or both? If it was both, it would’ve been a good idea to tie the two places together to make a stronger conclusion.
Overall, your essay showed your appreciation for family and your home, which reveals a lot about you and I really enjoyed reading it!!
Sincerely,
Amaya 😉
