“THE CEMETERY”
Written by Lara Bijlenga, Ilona Vileyn-Salah, Farah Mrad, and Kathryn Frey
THE CEMETERY
FADE IN: EXT. “LA PERÈ LACHAISE” CEMETERY - DAY
A hand reaches from the inside of a caveau. AMY, 22, a newly buried body in the cemetery steps out. Her white shirt has blood stains on it and her skin is tinted purple. She looks around, and begins to walk. Birds chirp, leaves crunch, and the sun shines brightly.
Her step is slow and heavy. She continues to look around, trying to orient herself with where she is. She turns a corner.
PAN TO NICOLE, 23, standing up behind a tomb stones.
NICOLE
(yawns loudly)
What a beautiful day to be alive! I mean
(beat)
dead.
TEASER FADE IN: EXT. CEMETERY - DAY AMY continues walking through the cemetery, confused.
AMY
Wh- Why am I in a graveyard?
CUT TO SASCHA, 32, a Russian chemist killed in the Chernobyl Disaster, of sitting down and smoking a cigarette.
SASCHA
So there is new girl in uh - in graveyard.
PAN TO AMY, still wandering around, looking for any indicator of why she is here.
SASHA (continued)
She buried yesterday.
(she looks over at Amy, then quickly
back to the camera so she doesn’t see
her.)
See? Idiots.
CUT TO WES, 19, playing air drums. His hair is swooped over his face in a mop-head style, cap is on backwards, and his jeans are sagging.
AMY
(walking up to Wes)
Hello? Hello? Excuse me? WES does not see her.
AMY (continues)
Hello? Hello? Excuse me?
Hell-oooo? Hi! Hello!
WES finally stops air drumming and acknowledges AMY.
AMY
Do you know what’s this place?
WES
Are you new here?
AMY Yeah…?
WES
Hey, me too!
WES motions to give her a high five. She does not reciprocate.
WES
Come on! It’s a high five.
Come on, hit me down low.
She still does not reciprocate. He eventually just high fives her.
WES (continued)
Come on, you know? Like a high five?
AMY
No.
WES
(scoughs)
Where you come from?
AMY
I don’t know where I come—
WES
Ah me too, man.
He motions to high five her, but then realizes there is no point.
WES (continued)
You know, I have this theory that high fives are healthy. *
You know what you need to do, you just need to chill out, take a
breather, relax, because it’s all gonna be, okay, man.
AMY
No it’s not. It is not okay. I do not know where I am, I don’t
know who I am — what is happening?—
WES
Just take a rest —
AMY
What is happening?
WES
Okay, okay. Do you know how you got here?
AMY No.
WES Me too.
AMY You do?
WES
Do you know who you are?
AMY
NO.
WES, Me too.
(beat)
Do you know where you live?
AMY No.
WES Me too.
AMY
I can’t remember!
WES
Me too. See? Just —
(makes exhale sound).
AMY
How can you be so calm about it? We’re lost? We don’t know who
we are, what we’re doing here, in a graveyard, because there’s
graves everywhere.
WES
Me too, man. Wicked.
AMY, frustrated, walks away. CUT TO NICOLE, facing camera.
NICOLE
So Wes died around thirty-five years ago. I can’t remember the
exact date, but it was June 20th, 1975 around 6am. Wait, no. I
dont’ know that. Basically, he died on a surfing accident in the
south of France and hit his head pretty hard. That’s why he has
memory loss, and he can’t remember me.
Her expression says, “I wish he would just notice me already!” CUT TO WES, sitting wide legged in front of camera.
WES
How I got here? I don’t know. How long I’ve been here? I don’t
know. But you know? I just take it easy. I hang loose, I walk
around, I hang with my buddies, the Ghosts.
(to THE GHOSTS)
THE GHOSTS sit down beside WES.
Hey man, how’s it going? Hey, how’s it going? So, what have you
guys been up to today? You chillin’ out? Yeah? Good.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN. EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
SASCHA, standing against a tomb again, smoking a cigarette, again. AMY walks past and doesn’t notice her, again.
SASCHA
(whistles to AMY)
AMY walks back to where SASCHA is standing.
AMY
Who are you?
SASCHA
[speaks in Russian]
You don’t speak Russian. Are you my friend?
AMY
No. Who are you?
SASCHA
Well if you decide to be my friend, I might tell you why you’re
here.
AMY
I’ll be your friend. What am I doing here?
SASCHA
There is no easy way to say. I will try to be nice. But you’re
dead. I could have been nicer.
AMY
Is this a joke?
SASCHA
Do I look like joke? Do I look funny?
AMY
This is a joke. This is not funny at all. What am I doing in
this graveyard?
SASCHA
Dead and brainless.
AMY
I’m not brainless!
SASCHA
Yes, you are.
AMY No —
SASCHA
Okay, your body is rotting inside ground. You got out of body.
You are not body anymore. You’ve got blood all over you! Get the
wash do you? You filthy person. And you don’t speak Russian. You
dead and brainless.
AMY
This is not funny at all.
SASCHA
Okay, go. Go, go. You upset Sascha, you go.
AMY
I’ll go. You have problems.
SASCHA
I would kill her if she wasn’t dead yet.
[DELEATED SCENE] CUT TO AMY, sitting alone.
AMY
I’m not dead. I am not dead at all. She has problems. There’s no
way I am dead. I’m alive — look at me! I got hands, I got my
skin, I’m alive and my head and —
THE GHOSTS crouch down to hug AMY. They seem to be trying to comfort her.
AMY (continued)
What am I doing? What is happening?
(sees camera for the first time)
Wait, and there’s a camera too. Are you dead also?
FADE IN.
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
AMY sitting alone, playing with a leaf. Her expression shows she is sad, defeated, and trying to come to terms with the fact that she has died.
TEXT: NEXT WEEK ON “THE CEMETERY”
From the corner, GODEFROY, THE COUNT OF MONTMIRAIL steps out of a grave.
GODEFROY appears to be riding an air horse, swirling a stick around as if a sword. He holds a Gucci shopping bag as a shield and a cardboard box as a helmet — probably garbage he found left in the cemetery.
GODEFROY
Bourgeois! Bourgeois! Bourgeois!
(speaking French)
NICOLE
Shut up Godefroy.
GODEFROY
(continues to speak French)
NICOLE
Ignore him. He’s just like this really old guy. And he forgets
that he’s here? And that he died like ten centuries ago?
FADE OUT.
AMY
This is insane.
NICOLE Yeah, welcome to Pere Lachaise.
FADE OUT.
