Green is the colour of self hate built up over the years
Self hate so intense that it has grown from a stinky invisible floating smidgen of algae suspended forever in air in front of your heart
To a parasite, enveloping you so completely that you mistake it for armour.
If you hate yourself this much no one can hate you more.
It can never hurt more than this.
You make sure of that.
When you swing your arms around,
The dense algae shield swings around with you
When you raise your hand it rises with you .
shifts clicks in place
Allowing a forgettable flash of skin before it is covered again.
You don’t fight it.
If you hate yourself this much. Nobody can hate you more. Hurt you more.
You are in control of your pain
you know what to expect
You know
Nobody can hurt you.
Until someone slips up.
No you slip up.
Green is the colour of unwanted realizations
Green is the colour of your best friend triggering your self-hate.
Of course he didn’t mean it.
No you slipped up.
You let your armour thin in places.
You let in idea
That someone wanted you, thought you were amazing, no matter how inconsequential and in the past it may have been.
Even if it was a lifetime ago and you couldn’t possibly move on more.
YOU let yourself entertain the idea that you could be desired.
You let it stick to your armor like a microbe eating away at your algae.
You enjoyed the sliver of sunlight hitting you through a crack in the slimy canopy you had come to know and be content with.
So when he tells you,
that he never really felt that way.
And he was conscious of it
When he said he wanted to be more than friends.
You read between the lines
he was in it for the experience
He always knew your friendship could survive it.
Because you cared too much.
It doesn’t matter you tell yourself.
It was a long time ago.
You don’t care anymore
the next day you realize
that you can’t get it out of your head.
The sky is mint green and you cry on a pavement
No you don’t feel anything for him anymore.
But he was your algae eating burr and you got addicted to the slivers of sunlight you stole from the chink in your armour
A murky sewer green is the colour that stinks up a place
It is the colour of you roommate who is lovable in a creepy psychoanalyst way,
saying
“Hey I figured you out!
You are always in a hurry to let people know that they are beautiful, and that you love what they are wearing, before they can walk out the elevator and you miss the opportunity to do so.
because you have always felt otherwise
Everyday when I walk out the door, you tell me I look pretty because you feel the opposite.”
Sewer green is the colour of denial.
It’s the colour of trying to laugh it off.
It is the colour of failing.
Lime green is the colour of optimism feigned for many years, till it becomes a part of you.
A part you love more than any other
How can you not?
It sets you apart.
It makes you lovable and fun
So easy to hang out with.
” I love how you don’t need much to be happy”
You are so glad you have never known “much”
He was your validation.
Of the fact, that you can be desired.
You are strong and independent
You have dealt with your past,
You embraced your scars,
You made them your armour
How can you let something like this
Affect you so much?
Do you have no shame?
Stop acting like Taylor Swift
Stop acting so soft
So pathetic
You are better than this.
You knew he was toxic
Every time he took you for granted
You did this to yourself
Acid green is the colour of crippling anxiety
Spurting Flashes of harsh acid green in a black hole of a room.
Invisible pillows pushing down on you, from every direction, on every surface imaginable.
Turns out your armour had thorns on the inside
You bite your lip.
You breathe out quietly
Shakily.
Your housemates are home.
You focus on what your were doing when you let yourself get pulled down.
You are looking at a frying pan.
You breathe out again.
Why is your face wet?
You are holding a frying pan
When did you start crying?
You were making omelettes.
Yes omelettes.
How can you do this to yourself
You said it was over
You dealt with this
You should talk to someone
You should call someone now.
So you text an online pen friend
Hey are you up ?
I think I just had a tiny panic attack.
But I am okay. I think.
So how was your yesterday?
I look up
Out of my window
And the sky is colour of shattered emerald glass
The shards still holding on tentatively to their places
Trembling against the force of gravity
A moment of monumental potential energy
Before they realize the pointlessness of it all,
Yield to the inevitable
And soundlessly come crashing down.
