No Fear Wearable (part 3)

Stronger Alone

Interviewee: Alexandra Tovar Salas

Interviewer: Burak Eceral

In the following interview, my interviewee is my classmate Alexandra Tovar Salas. Throughout the interview, I asked her some questions about her deepest fear by being as thoughtful as possible. Alexandra is a student at Parsons School of Design who is currently in her freshman year. According to my observations at synchronized zoom sessions and our chats that we had, my first impassion of her is that she seems a little bit shy during classes but in-person she is very outgoing. From her perspective, Alexandra’s biggest challenge is her fear of abandonment. Fear of being alone can also be referenced as autophobia. People with autophobia usually suffer from unhealthy relationships that can be caused by overly attaching to loved ones. According to the information that I gathered from my research, I found out that ones with the fear of abandonment usually have lower self-esteem than others. Also, she previously mentioned that she usually has a hard time showing her real personality to others, because of this fear of hers. Traumatic fears like this one can be triggered by past experiences that have marked them.  Also, it is safe to say that all people have their unique experiences with it. So, I was beyond excited to interview her and try to see this issue from her perspective. During the interview, I paid special importance not to offense the interviewee. I wanted her to feel as relatable as possible.

Traumatic fears like abandonment usually linked to past experiences that might have marked you. How was your first interaction with this fear of yours that might make you realize that you have this phobia?

Alexandra Tovar Salas (ATS):  It’s a very recent fear of mine. I started to experience it during the quarantine. About three months ago, my grandfather died of COVID-19.  He was always nice to me, but he wasn’t with his children. He tried to make things right with his family and friends, but it was too late for him. Unfortunately, he died alone and it made me realize the really important things in life. I’ve never had this fear before but then I realized that I’ve lost lots of friends. Lately, when I don’t like something, I try to say it out loud and not to be silent like I used to, which a lot of people don’t like. But I do like it. I feel that I’m progressing and although I don’t like losing friends, I feel that I’m staying with people who are worth it to me. But it makes me wonder, what if I end up like my grandfather?

People with autophobia are mostly known for having unstable relationships with others. Do you get attached to people as quickly as you get rid of them? What is the reason behind it?   

Alexandra Tovar Salas (ATS):  I think sometimes I can be like that, especially when we talk about romantic relationships. Sometimes I get excited too fast and I create a false reality in my mind of that person, which only exists in my imagination and I attach myself to that idea. And then, when I finally realize that is not real, I have a hard time while separating myself from them.  However, when it comes to friendships, I’m not like that at all. I give value to my friendships, I’m super realistic and if I feel like we no longer sharing the same interests, I can easily separate myself from them. This also doesn’t mean that I do not care about the times we once had together.

As a person that has been recovered from this fear, I can point out that people with this issue sometimes forget that they are the main character in their life. When was the last time you gave up your priorities to please another person?

Alexandra Tovar Salas (ATS):   That rarely happens to me. I think that is the sign of that I am slowly recovering from this fear. I kind of know what I want and what I particularly don’t. I try to remind myself of the fact that, I only live for myself and I want to enjoy my life it in my way. It is not that I don’t mind being alone. I don’t like the feeling of being lonely and lately, I’ve felt like that on a daily basis. Friends that I thought were eternal have disappeared from my life one day to another. Although I want to think that it’s fine and normal, sometimes people can change and we don’t do it together, synchronized. I’m just concerned about being a little bit detached from the people who actually care about me and who really means a lot to me. I wouldn’t like to lose them and till the end of the time. On the contrary, I would like to know that at least I gave and received lots of love.

People with the fear of abandonment usually tend to mask their personality to feel protected. Who is your alter ego that you put on in order to look presentable to others? 

Alexandra Tovar Salas (ATS):  I think that I always try to present myself to the world as a very strong and self-confident person as if nothing affects me, but the reality is much different if we are talking about someone I care about. When I really care about someone, I think they should know me as who I am. I let them in with my most real and authentic way as possible. They soon can finally realize how sensitive and vulnerable I can actually become.

I can see that the theme “trust” can be a really sensitive topic talk about. If you feel comfortable enough to talk about, can you tell me about your process that you follow in order to fully trust someone? 

Alexandra Tovar Salas (ATS):  Most of the time, I really think that I have trust issues. People around me usually don’t notice it.  I can present myself as if I’m a very open and outgoing person with no secrets at all. However, that isn’t the case. Only if I trust someone hard enough then I reveal my actual self. I always like to feel unique connections with people that I truly bond with. I usually don’t give anything until the other person shows me that we’re on the same page and mindset. That is an authentic process that I use when I truly trust someone.

How does this phobia of yours affects your performance while making new friends?

Alexandra Tovar Salas (ATS):  I think it doesn’t affect me that much when I am making new friends. Losing long term friendships just because of saying what I actually feel has made me remain more silent in a constant fear that they also will want to leave me. I think I have to work on letting people in and out more easily.

Having ideas of your own is the most important part that separates humans from animals. But sometimes they can create conflicts which affect to isolate you. Did you ever feel forced to give up your opinions just to avoid controversy? How was that experience?

Alexandra Tovar Salas (ATS):  Yes, a lot! Especially with friends and family. I think the main reason for that is my fear of ending up alone.  Being in a country as sexist, classist, homophobic and racist as Mexico escorts to lots of controversies. I’m an open-minded feminist who is also a part of the LGBTQ + community. It is clear that I support lots of other things that many people do not support and do not agree with. Although I’d love to find people who have the same interests that I have, I also really want to find people who aren’t quite in the same mindset as me to question them and also to pay respect for their choices.

How do you feel when someone criticizes your project in a way that might change other people’s ideas too?

Alexandra Tovar Salas (ATS):  That has happened to me a lot in different ways, especially with my dad. My way of seeing my life, goals and my plans for the future are very different from my dad’s, which has been a source of ridicule from him towards me. He says that he accepts me and the life that I want to have, but it seems so fake. I feel a huge pressure on me for not being able to fulfill his expectations in the future.

From my previous research, is safe to say that this phobia also has some similarities to social anxiety in case of their symptoms. Do you think you also suffer from social anxiety? What are some examples that lead you to this opinion?

Alexandra Tovar Salas (ATS):   I never thought of it actually, but maybe I do have social anxiety. I didn’t even know the term. However, now that I read what it is all about, I think I may suffer a bit of social anxiety too. People always think I’m very self-confident, but the reality is that many times when I have spoken in public, participate in class, raise my voice in a meeting, speak with someone for the first time or in a place where I do not know anyone I let my nerves to get the best of me. It’s something that I often struggle with.

Fear of abandonment can force people to bond to their relationship even if you have known that it is a toxic one. Did you ever realize that you are unable to leave a relationship with red flags all over it?

Alexandra Tovar Salas (ATS):   I believe that I’ve been in toxic relationships before but I also believe it has been totally my fault. I think I’ve been the one with the toxic behaviors. Fortunately, I’ve changed those behaviors and I have been trying new and different things in my relationships. I think it’s a part of growing and maturing. Before I was fed up with certain attitudes and spoke too late, I exploded but now I try to speak from the moment I see something that I am not okay with.

In conclusion, this interview was a unique experience of mine. I found out that sometimes I might not get the answers that I asked for. Throughout the interview, I constantly got surprised by the answers that I got, some of them created an opposition between the fear and her personal experience. Also, some of the answers she gave to me, made me question myself that if I got this fear too. I understood the importance of the backup questions because some of them were clearly not the perfect questions and did not have an answer that I wanted it to have. Since we are studying in a virtual environment my classmates are all over the world. In my case, even though the interviewee is from Mexico, organizing a suitable time for each other was not a challenge at all. One lesson I learned from this experience is that as an interviewer you should always suit yourself to the current situations. In my experience, she had an eye operation on Friday so at times we had to use email and other messaging platforms to keep each other informed about this stressful duration.