1. Project title & final Design Proposal text (1 paragraph)
Title: “The Broken Heart”
– The meaning behind the title of my piece “The Broken Heart” is simply referencing the journey for many of the LGBTQ people out there who have been physically attacked, discriminated, or even killed for being “gay” or being who they are. The reason why I wanted to focus on the LGBT community is that as a gay person myself, I basically grew up knowing that there is something different about me, something that this “difference” is shameful, disgusting, and deviant. Those words show how difficult life is for many of the LGBT people.
Proposal: I wanted to create a fashion piece that resembles “pain,” the pains that many young LGBTQ youths had been through throughout their childhood to adulthood. Therefore, for the design of the piece I wanted to make a black body-suit cover with red thread and an embroidery heart towards the chest area of the suit. The red thread resembles “blood,” and the reason why I choose to use the color red is that the color is the color of blood and it is associated with the meanings of energy, war, power, determination, as well as passion and love. The color red is a very vibrant and intense color, but my interpretation of the color red for my piece is a color that fills with intense love to anger and violence, it is also a color that represents how challenging their lives are for many of the LGBTQ people.
2. Final mood board/material board
MoodBoard #1
At first, I was exploring with many vivid colors (the color of the rainbow to be exact) for my mood board, so I found items that related to words such as suicidal actions, rejections, equality, pain, love, etc.
However, while I was brainstorming with the whole concept/meaning for my final piece, I then realized and figured the right purpose that I wanted to portray onto my fashion piece.
MoodBoard #2
After I received my professor’s (Tamar) suggestions on my previous mood board that I did, I then re-created the whole entire mood board based on the word “pain” and the color “red” as the primary sources for my final piece.
Material Board
3. Project sketches & plans (from rough to more refined)
Sketch #1
My original plan on the final piece is to create a bodysuit with a collar (made of arrows) with red thread right below the breast area. The reason why I wanted to use the arrows, simply because arrows resembles “getting hurt” and “being attacked.” I wanted to portray my piece as the person wearing the piece was getting hurt.
Then I came up with the second sketch which I altered the breast area part. I decided to create a human heart, and the whole reason why I wanted to do embroidery is that I wanted to challenge myself with the final project by doing something I’ve never experienced before and taken on the adventure to explore different techniques to manipulate fabrics.
Sketch #2
Plans:
1. Start sketching ideas for the final piece.
2. I finalized the final sketch and started gathering materials. (fabrics, zippers, tools, etc.)
3. Start working on the final piece. (work on muslin first if necessary)
4. Ask for suggestions from peers and professors. Make last minute changes
5. Have the final prototype complete (4/30)
Researches:
1. According to Thesprucecrafts website, I found out that woven even-weave are best for surface embroidery. The fiber content for the even-weave fabric can be linen, rayon, cotton or polyester blends.
Embroidering Process: step 1: threading the needle and wet the very end of the floss. Step 2: learn how to do the running stitch. Step 3: learn how to do the backstitch. Step 4: learn how to do the satin stitch.
2. Backstitch for Embroidery: bring the needle through to the front of the fabric and take a stitch to the right. Then bring back the needle to the front of the fabric (a stitch length) to the right and then pass the needle through to the back of the fabric using the hole at the end of the first stitch. Then, use the hole at the end of the farthest right stitch to bring the needle back to the front side of the fabric. And the keep repeating the same process.
3.Satin Stitch for Embroidery: draw a simple shape (for me its the heart shape) onto the fabric then use a backstitch to outline it. Then simply go back and forth across the shape and fill in those bald spots with seed and straight stitches.
4.Process photos showing the making of the final prototype
Pin the body suit onto the tracing paper to create the pattern for my bodysuit
Using the tracing wheel to outline bodysuit’s silhouette
Use the sharpie to darken the outline of the bodysuit (front)
Use the sharpie to darken the outline of the bodysuit (Back)
Bodysuit Pattern Finished
Pin the bodysuit (sleeve part) onto the tracing paper
Using the tracing wheel to outline the sleeves (both right and left hand)
Using the sharpie to darken the outline of the sleeves
Left/right sleeves Patterns Finished
Then, put the pattern paper (bodysuit) onto the fabric with pins and start to outline it with the tracing wheel.
After creating the outline of the bodysuit onto the fabric, use the invisible fabric pencil to make the outline more define.
Use the outline to do the other half of the bodysuit.
Then do the same exact process to do the sleeves (onto fabric)
Re-trace the two back side of the bodysuit. (where I place the zipper) ***forgot to leave half to one inch for the zipper.
Start sewing the bodysuit
BodySuit Base (front)
BodySuit Base (Back)
Embroidery Process #1 : use the embroidery hook to lock the area on fabric to do the embroidery. Then sketch the outline of the human heart.
Human Heart Embroidery Final Look
Bodysuit Final look on mannequin stand
5.Photo and/or video of the final prototype (If it’s a fashion project) final styled photo.
6.Link to the final research paper (formatted as required in Seminar).
Integrative Seminar 2
Bridge 4 Research/Personal Essay (Final)
Daniel Yeh
April, 23, 2019
Abnormal is The New Normal
Growing up I knew that I had a huge secret that was killing me to get it out, the secret about me being gay. The other part of me knew that I just couldn’t due to my Asian background and because I was once afraid to do so simply because I didn’t want to be part of the minority group and to be different. But most importantly, the other part of me didn’t want to come out to my father because I knew if I would do so I will lose my father. I almost got to a point where I once thought life was pointless and was once about to commit suicide. However, in the year of 2016, I finally had the courage to came out to one of the closest people, to a mother figure for me, which is one of my godmothers. I will never ever forget that feeling of relief, happiness, and pride within myself. Sometimes I wonder and dream about how my life is going to be when I am completely accepted by my father. However, being openly gay isn’t easy. Even till today, I still experience discrimination, harassment, intolerance, and all the verbal threats from the public, friends, and my father due to my sexual orientation. Therefore, I wanted to highlight some major problems faced by LGBTQ people across the world and and the importance of the social awareness towards the LGBTQ community. The public needs to take action to fully accept the social identity development, the lack of social recognition, and the contemporary issues in the LGBTQ community as a subject in order to stop those LGBTQ people suffering from various forms of mental illness, lack of family support, and the issue of homophobia, and reduce the negative impacts on all aspects of their lives.
When I realized I was gay, which I would say was like really early on even though I probably was just about to learn how to walk. I remember back in the day I used to secretly watched my sister and godmother getting ready, putting on makeup, doing their hair, choosing what to wear for the day. My femininity traits probably has something to do with me growing up surrounded with girls. However, unlike other kids I was raised by my godmother’s mother (my grandma) and her sister due to my biological parents’ separation. My godmothers and my grandma had taught me to remain upright and firm no matter how I felt. I knew I identified with femininity back when I was a little kid, I knew my sexuality was as natural as breathing; however, I had to contend with the cruelty of playground bullies, and boys due to my past experiences. Based on the report titled “Discrimination in America” that was conducted by National Public Radio (NPR) on gender identity-based discrimination in the past few years, 53% reported discrimination towards lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ) people about their sexual orientation and gender identity. It all began in elementary school, kids from school used to laugh at my “girlish” handwriting, laugh at my high pitched voice. Of course, acting in such a “feminine” way doesn’t make someone gay, but because of my close-minded Asian background, my sexuality was visible through things like my voice, handwriting. I’ve learned that It didn’t stop there, critiques of my clothing, hanging out with only girls came next, followed by the way I walked, or how my hands rested on my hips. Because of my feminine traits, many of the school kids were making fun of me, not willing to be my friends, and physically/verbally assaulted me in public. According to The Human Rights Campaign, LGBTQ youth are twice as likely as their straight peers to say they have been physically assaulted and are also at risk of losing the support of classmates when they have to report on one of their own. I was once at that position where no one in my class was willing to talk to me. Once when I went to the bathroom, a classmate back in elementary school scattered all my stuff from my backpack around the room like a treasure hunt. Another time, during the club fare at my high school, I was hosting my own Glee Club; I prepared two gigantic posters and made a sign up sheet. However, I saw a few straight peers were pointing towards my direction and starting to laugh, I saw many people giving me these critical looks on their face and walking away without asking any information about my Glee Club. Life didn’t get better, I forged my happiness.
I always knew one day, life will get better and people will start to appreciate me for being me. However, my life got worst especially during my high school career. Starting with the fact that I am an anomaly and have never really fit into any one category or group. I’ve always felt the need to have others understand me due to my personality and femininity, but they usually don’t take it seriously. I was being labeled “the gay Kid” back in my high school. An article on the Human Rights Watch website mentioned that “social pressures are part of the school experience of students, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.” However, the experience can be difficult for LGBTQ youths who often struggle to clarify their identity, quite often due to the lack of support from family and friends, and also encounter negative opinions and stereotypes about LGBTQ people at school and in their community. My interpretation on the whole reason why I wasn’t able to be my true self was due the fact that I didn’t get as much support from my peers, friends and family. I sometimes wonder If I had all my friends pushing me to be who I am, I probably would have been able to have the courage to figure out things so much quicker, without a sense of fear, pressure and hardness. Josh Greer, an LGBTQ youth interviewed in 2016, states that many students “would often struggle to make sense of their identity” and a considerable number of students who are identified as homosexual do not usually get support from friends and family. Those students often encounter negative backlash for being openly gay at school. LGBTQ youth are more likely than their heterosexual youth to suffer abuse. I think what was so hard for me to come out to my friends and family was the fact that I don’t want to get rejected, the fact that I do not want to fight against my sexuality that I don’t have a problem with but the feelings of disconnections with others becomes a constant struggle. I’ve always had the fear of rejection from peers for speaking out against a fellow student bullying me so the way I deal with was to choose to remain silent on the issue; but, unfortunately this gave way to bullies continuing to persecute me by physical abuse, and verbal threats. Therefore, LGBTQ identity is a serious issue that people should care about and pay attention to because the whole discrimination behavior can lead to a serious and widespread problem like mental health problems and suicidal actions.
A few weeks after I got my driving permit from the DMV, was when I first came out to the first people in my family, which is my godmother. The reason why I though she deserved to be the first person to come out to is because she was the reason why I moved from Taiwan to California. Because of her, I have changed dramatically from the person who used to be insecure about himself to the person I am today; happy and confident. I was once being abused by my alcoholic father back in elementary school, he would punished me for tiny little things like not organizing my room or biting my nails. However, I’ve come out to many different people ever since, and I’ve always gone into the situation knowing that no matter what, there will be people out there who care and love me as I am and that in the end I would be supported. According to my friend, Zachary; he “got kicked out of the house at the age of fifteen due to [his] sexuality.” During our interview session, he mentioned about how his life was miserable for a few months after his family kicked him out, but as times went by, he realized the importance of finding connections and being with the right group of people/friends who actually love and care about him for being openly gay. After discovering my friend Zachary’s story, I immediately thought about my relationship with my father because I have also experienced the same incident back in 2017, right after I got my acceptance letter from Parsons. I almost got kicked out of the house due to my sexuality as well; however, I didn’t come out to my father myself, my high school counselor did. I was frustrated that my school counselor came out for me to my father, however, I can’t blame anyone but myself because I can’t choose my own family. I was unlucky that my dad is homophobic and there is nothing I can do to change his mind on the whole homosexuality/equality issue.
The issue of homophobia is fear or hatred towards homosexuality. Some of the common factors that may reinforce homophobia are religious, moral or political beliefs of a dominant group. In some countries, homosexuality is illegal and punishable by life imprisonment, and even the death penalty. However, it reminded me of a serious issue that happened last year in one of Asia’s largest and most vibrant gay communities, my home country: Taiwan. According to an American online publish company in a report “As Taiwan prepares to vote on LGBTQ issues, a homophobic group is running ads before kids videos on Youtube” by Catherine Shu, Shu states that due to efforts by anti-gay groups in Taiwan, “the battle has reached social media platforms including Youtube, where a group called 3 yes is running an ad, often appearing before popular children’s videos.” It seriously crushed my heart after discovering their intention of the ad is to confuse young children about their gender identity. Personally, I think the whole “homophobia” needs to stop because no one on earth has the rights to discriminate against or bully another person or community, or to hurt them emotionally or physically. Many of the LGBTQ people were faced challenges of dealing with negative social and psychological school/college experiences that can impact their ability to learn. Therefore, our society needs to recognize the strength of the LGBTQ community and steadily start think towards them and their problems, and make our society a better place.
At the age of sixteen, I was once about to lose my mind and commit suicide after losing my first boyfriend (Daniel). I guess I was stupid enough to believe that I had found the person I meant to spend rest of my life with. I met Daniel online, on one of those online dating apps. We dated for about eight months, but due to some personal issues we had to break up and go on our separate ways. I still remember the feelings of being in love and to having someone that loved me and cared about me the way I am for the very first time. However, losing my first boyfriend was terrifying because I was going to end my life for him due to the lack of friends and family support. Back then, I didn’t have anyone to talk about boys issues. The only person that I could share things like that was him. However, I started to have negative thoughts on suicidal actions after losing him. According to the United Nation Children’s Fund (UNICEF), “LGBTQ children and youth who were exposed to discrimination are more likely to consider suicide than their mates” due to lack of support from their friends and family. Sexuality is an ever-confusing concept not just for straight people but for gays as well. I think that many of us suffer from not having the ability to identify him or herself for who they are. Sometimes we confuse sex with love, love with sex. Many times, people tend to look for things to fill an empty void within themselves, sometimes more so, because for so long, people just couldn’t have the courage to figure out why people looked at them differently. However, the feeling of loneliness can definitely cause a serious issue that might cause someone to end their life. According to many of the researchers and psychologists, they state that as a sexual minority, there is a higher suicide rate, and it has been estimated that the suicide rates are way higher than the suicide rates among heterosexual youth. However, according to Brian Mustanski and Richard T. Liu, they mentioned that “sexual minority youth also face several unique risk factors for suicidal ideation and completed suicide.” Those risk factors can lead those young LGBTQ teens to have a mental illnesses such as borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, depression, bipolar disorder, general anxiety, and social anxiety. I wouldn’t say that I am diagnosed with many of the mental illnesses, but not having a mother and father figure or friend to talk about my personal issues definitely made me depressed and sometimes feel the needs to end my life. Thus, many of the young LGBTQ teens who identify as transgender, gay, or lesbian were suffering from mental illness that stems back to childhood abuse or a childhood where relatives may have neglected the child’s needs in both cases the feeling of hopelessness and having a safe place talk about their personal things and to be themself. Therefore, family and peer support can be very beneficial and have a comparably favorable effect on reducing the suicidal ideation in LGBTQ youth community.
In conclusion, schools, friends, and parents are the ones who have the most significant influence on LGBTQ youths and in turn can reduce substance abuse, educational failure, and suicides. Personally, out of all the sources that I discovered through my research, I found that Mustanski and Liu’s source is the most beneficial element that can help the LGBTQ youth by reducing the suicide rates. They pointed out how “gender nonconformity, low (or lack of) family support and victimization for being a sexual minority” can be huge risk factors for many of the young LGBTQ teens for their suicidal behavior. Ever since accepting myself and coming out, I have met so many amazing people and experienced with a new sense of both beauty, love, and darkness. Some things can affect me more and help me to grow as a person, while others affect me less and create issues for me to deal with. Throughout my coming out process and my personal story, I realized the importance of having someone by your side to guide you and listen to your words and all the personal issues. Therefore, schools and parents need to realize how much they do can do to help diminish the effects of discrimination against LGBTQ youth within the home and school environment. They will not only play a vital role in raising a new generation that is more accepting than the previous but also committed to increasing awareness and acceptance of the LGBTQ community in an educational environment by assisting heterosexual students in educating them to accept that to be LGBTQ is no different than being heterosexual. Also educate them that no one should be looked upon differently for who they identify as, and the LGBTQ identity is something to be embraced as “normal.” Looking back at the process of me coming out to my friends and family, I’ve left Daniel the boy and have become Daniel the man. A man who no longer is ashamed of himself, a man who released the shame he felt for wanting to love another man. A man who addressed issues that were holding me back.
Bibliography
Buechner, Maryanne. “So That No Child Suffers Because of Who They Are or Who They Love. May 17, 2018. “https://www.unicefusa.org/stories/so-no-child-suffers-because-who-they-are-or-who-they-love/34372. Accessed March 06, 2019.
“Discrimination In American: Experiences And Views of LGBT Americans”, NPR online. Last modified, November, 2017.
Drews, Zachary, face to face interview, April 05, 2019.
Greer, Josh, “Like Walking Through a Hailstorm” Human Rights Watch, October, 2016.
“Growing Up LGBT in American: HRC Youth Survey Report Key Findings” HRC online, last modified, 2012. P.16
Mustanski, Brian and Liu, Richard T., “Why Are Suicide Rates Higher Among LGBTQ Youth?”
Psychology Today. Today, October 12, 2017. Accessed March 14, 2019.
