One of the most frequent questions I have heard from others gives me this development of idea — “What do you want to be?” Inevitably, our surroundings always question us about how ‘determined’ we are about our future. It is common and rather interesting to see how people tend to honor themselves for being more ‘clear’ and ‘realistic’ about what they want, eliminating all what they call “distractions” and focus on a single goal.
However, I found an aspect different from what is usually seen as the greatest priority in life, I found myself more lost, more obscure from what I was like in childhood. As a payoff for ‘growing up’ and ‘knowing what I SHOULD focus on’, my life has lost what I would metaphorically name as ‘colors’. I start to learn how to hide my emotions. I learn how to not laugh in a formal situation when something really funny happens. I learn how to pretend I am not angry when I need to show how magnanimous I can be. I lost friends who I think will not be help me to become successful in future. I lost myself and don’t remember how real I was when I am free.
So different from my first idea which mainly focus on the fake appearance I exhibit as a consequence of choice being made, this idea roots itself on the lost of intellectual reality in the process of growing up. And I intend to express this idea of obscurity maybe more realistic in the contrast of photograph settings. Using the featured image as an example, the left one has a higher contrast, no colors, distinct and sharp, just like how I try to be clear about everything I am about to face, but I certainly lost my ‘shape’ and identity. The right image has more colors that are fully saturated (more distractions per say), less contrast and exposure, turbid and dim, but I remain identifiable.
If the viewer were to choose, which would be a more realistic version of me? Or neither is real (considering ideas from last post, which stated that nothing about me being presence is real as they are all presentations I chose to show to society, only the absence and undefined of me shall be)
