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The microaggression which I chose to explore through this project was cold hands. Throughout my life I have often struggled with my body’s frail, petite, and withered nature. Being a gymnast between the ages of 5 and 16, I grew up with stunted growth and hormonal levels. While I did go reach puberty at a normal age, 12, my body continued to get in the way of my physical goals and therefore, I often compromised my well-being for the success for my athletic ambitions.
I found that one of the only ways to make myself happy was feeling empty, because then I knew I deserved to fill myself up. I went through high school forcing myself to earn my health, to a point where my body began to waste away. While my grades had improved and I felt more accomplished than ever, I was oblivious to the damage occurring to my body. I was numb. I was high. I was addicted to being busy, addicted to being occupied, and addicted to fatigue. A side effect of my waning mass was cold hands.
In this piece I represent my eating disordered past through a demonstration of “ice hands.” I created a serperatable silicon mold from a plastic skeleton hand, which I employed as an ice tray for a series of ice hand sculptures. Each ice falange is made unique by encapsulating various sized orange peels. The peels were used in order to represent purity, and, on the other hand, the ugliness that consumes the mind and body during mental illness. The blackness acts as a parasite. The unique design from the its placement in the sculpture, reflects the uncontrollable nature of mental illness. Eating disorders take a life of their own and it becomes very difficult to calm the conflicting thoughts within one’s head. These biodegradable residue fragments can be considered either garbage or nature. They hold opposite meanings within the piece. As the sculptures melt, they will not only be left pure, but toxin-free, similar to the nature of my own body as I welcome warmth and sustenance.
As the ice sculpture bones melt, so does the strength of my eating disorder, and the pain of the microaggression. The sting associated to the microaggression dwindles with body acceptance. With this piece I hope to find closure and fulfillment with my recovery. As I watch my creations melt away, I will learn to accept loss and welcome challenge.
My piece was inspired by the work of Brazilian sculptor Nele Azevedo. The artist has created an art installation that remembers the often-forgotten civilian deaths during “The Great War.” Azevedo arranged 5,000 little ice figurines on the step of Chamberlain Square in Birmingham, U.K., to remember the men and women lost during WWI, including the civilians. The melting, ghostly figures, placed by volunteers, created a truly haunting image, and they were crowned by a red figure that seemed to drip a trail of blood down the steps.
The variety and multiplicity of ice bones represent my inescapable ghosts. The medium of water is pivotal to the piece’s significance. Water can take form as a liquid, sold, or gas. Meaning, no matter where I go and no matter how much time passes, the pieces will continue to melt and I will continue to recover.
