tone shift: street of my childhood paragraph 1

Initial first paragraphs:

“I remember the ditch filled with different colored weeds. I remember the magnolia tree in the front yard – we had to cut it down. I remember the oak trees canopying the street. I remember the pecan trees in the front and back yards and the lot behind us, it reminded me everyday that the house I lived in was on a former plantation. I remember the rusted axe head and army tag we found in the garden. I remember the street sign was either hit or taken so no one knew where to find Neil Avenue.

I remember the one party we visited at the house across the street; I do not remember what the inside of the house looked like. I remember the police car that would ride the street perpendicular to ours. I remember the looking at the older white man who walked 7 little dogs occasionally; I do not remember the neighbors down the street, we didn’t speak.”

  • Jaymes’ conclusion: My tone was detached, objective, and separated.

Rewritten paragraph with tone of attachedness, more positive remembrance:

I remember the ditch filled with different colored weeds. I remember the magnolia tree in the front yard – we had to cut it down. I remember the oak trees canopying soft warm light onto the street. I remember the old pecan trees in the front and back yards and the lot behind us; they reminded me everyday that the house I lived in lay on a former plantation. I remember the rusted axe head and army tag we found in the garden: artifacts of previous dwellers. I remember the street sign was either hit or taken so no one outside of Algiers knew where to find Neil Avenue.

I remember the one party we visited at the house across the street; I do not remember what the inside of the house looked like. I remember the sound of cars late at night driving through rain on the street by my room window. I remember the looking at the older white man who walked 7 little dogs occasionally; I remember watching little Henry down the street chase after my dog in the front yard. 

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