My classmates helped me a lot after they read my paper. They told me to remove certain repetitive parts, and to possibly add pictures to clarify one of my sources. Bonnie helped me to clarify my thesis because I say “certain colors” but only talk about pink and blue. Also, I will now rework some paragraphs to better connect them to the claim. When revising, I will definitely clarify my introduction, and make sure all of my sources and points connect back to my original claim.
Sopo’s rough draft reflected her progress so far and it was easy to understand. Knowing her topic from before, I think the rough drat she wrote was on target. I think she could possibly benefit by clarifying the time periods she discusses and maybe reorder some of the beginning paragraphs. I think most of her paragraphs and points connect back to her thesis clearly. She speaks about how the clothing created by channel was made to blur gender roles and she went into detail to describe how. Bonnie had a long paper with a lot of scientific information packed inside. I think she used a lot of data to support her claim, however she could cut down on some information to make it less confusing. She adapted and change her thesis from past classes, and I think it works better.
