Precious Object: ‘Bowl of Thoughts’

Lately, I’ve been feeling very homesick. Not necessarily missing home but  more that I miss the people who make up my ‘home’.

My Mum died when I was very young and as a result I am very close with my Dad and have found myself struggling with being away from him. Strong emotions often spark creativity so I wanted to use these feelings as fuel for this investigation particularly since the inquiry centres around reflecting upon ‘previous life’ which for me I am slightly struggling with the fact that it has become ‘previous’. I love living here, it is a dream come true for me, I have spent the majority of my life dreaming of what I have now, however, sometimes the reality of your dreams coming true can be a bit overwhelming.

I was inspired by my lack or loss of a daily routine, I think this displacement in daily ritual is one of the things causing me to feel low and homesick so I wanted to try and use it as fuel for this investigation/assignment. I carry, from home, emotional and physical baggage. Baggage filled with clothes, food and dreams of a new start in a new country. My thoughts and emotions I capture and record using art and scripture, I mainly use my iphone and laptop to record spontaneous inspiration and creative musings which is why I chose to work with type, since it is something I often use to record my current feelings and experiences.

The ‘precious object’ that I was inspired by is a little bowl that i used to have in my room at home. Every day, after college when I went back home, I would dump my house keys or earrings or little pieces of jewelry in it. Although I don’t have the same little bowl in my apartment in New York, I have tried to emulate the ritual by placing a similar style bowl on my desk near the door of my room in an attempt to re install the habit into my daily life in an attempt to comfort myself with the familiarity. Doing this reminds me of my old life and adds some sort of acquaintance/recognition trying to make the transition away from home slightly easier. 

I used to plan out my days every night, wake up at 5, leave by 5.30, stop for a coffee and breakfast, study, get to school at 7.30, go to class, leave school, home, study, dinner, study, sleep & repeat. It doesn’t sound much fun and I of course used to change my schedule to fit in social activities, but the comfort of a more or less repetitive routine is something that eased off the anxieties of daily struggles, something which I have yet to accustom myself to since I moved here. I find myself staying up later and sleeping irregularly, I’m anxious about feeling anxious, isolate myself yet mourn the fact I’m alone. Its conflicting and troubling and toxic, and now this has become my new routine, a routine not rooted in organisation but anxiety and self-deprivation…

I fear, and becoming increasingly aware of my own personal and growing anxiety which is almost definitely rooted in change. I’ve struggled with anxiety for a rather long time and am becoming  conscious that I need to control and calm these anxious thoughts and feelings before they affect my college experience. My moodboard features pictures from my childhood, one of me and my Dad and one of my first visit to New York, symbolising my journey to where I am and representing my conflicting emotions in terms of my approach to my college experience and the way i am dealing with my emotions.

This project allowed me to sit with my feelings and reflect on how I am feeling using a process which I enjoyed learning and development.

The words on the bowl say :

“It’s confusing and overwhelming and terrifying. I have these contrasting feelings where on the one hand I’m so happy to be here and I’m loving life and everything about it but there’s this other feeling that is tight and hurts and is full of anxiety and self deprecation and only wants me to isolate myself and actively miss home”

Which a representation of how I tend to feel quite a bit of the time recently…

 

I wrote out this paragraph using wire and then crafted the little copper bowl using the type. although it may just look like a bowl made from scrunched up wire it is in fact a genuine ‘bowl of my thoughts’ and has a lot of deeper underlying meaning. iom very interested in handwriting and how each person has a different handwriting style which is personal to them. the act of handwriting something out is very personal amd by ‘handwriting’ using the wire I felt it connected me closer to this project.

Working process

I chose to work with wire since it is malleable, tactile, tangible, and allows me to visualise my thoughts and feelings in a real and tangible visual form. It is rather therapeutic to express your most visible and present feelings and transform them  into a physical object, whilst working on this project I found the process of writing out my feelings using the wire interesting and allowed me to reflect and process my feelings in a visual way.

I chose to paint the fingertips of my plaster hand to pay homage to the process I went through and how important the idea of process and interaction is to my piece. I chose the colour of rose gold to tie into the aesthetic visual appearance and color scheme of my project. The abstract fingertip pattern also links to my own personal aesthetic style and love of abstract art.

Lessons which I learnt about myself whilst working (listed as discovered):

• I have anxiety which is rooted in the change of routine.
• Comparing yourself and your own aesthetic to other people won’t help you improve it will only spark self criticism that is not constructive. 
• To understand the material you must learn how to manipulate it and push its constructive boundaries.
• The connection you form with an object/piece through the process adds to the aesthetic appeal and value of the piece both personally and physically.
• As a fashion major, I found that working with familiar process (knitting/weaving) but with an unfamiliar material was very interesting and a unique process.