May 13th 2019
Seminar: Constructed Environments
Issues With Yourself
I used to not believe in god. A man in the sky. I think i now believe in god but not in the way I used to think of the word. I think god is what can’t be said, and god is what happens when I let myself stop thinking.
There is a presence that comes when I stop thinking and I like it. When I think I am thinking and I’m not here.
There are many times when I feel bad. I feel bad when I don’t know what to do. When I don’t know how to exist. When I can see the future and I know that I will feel less trapped later that’s the only thing I can hold onto. I guess in those moments, I feel suffocated by my thoughts and everything feels like a paradox? Maybe that’s not the right word…
But I feel like all I want to do is eat or sleep or have sex and I feel trapped by it. Because in those moments I know that what I actually want to do is create.
I know that thinking is a disease from personal experience. When you think too much, the mind is not letting you create. It preventing you from being present. Because there is a differentiation, you are not your mind. Something I struggle with is getting out of my own way I guess this is why i’m writing this. I just want to be able to slow down sometimes and also i get so tired of the up and the down of everything. I wonder when are things going to be good? And then not get SO bad again. I think the swings of my life are drastic. So you get tired of it, you know.
Like right now. I can write bad… I am writing bad! But at least I am doing. I am doing. But am I being present? I’d love to know.
I’ve learned a lot in my life… and I have a tendency to try and boil it all down to one truth. I don’t know why I do this, it’s just something about my personality that makes me want to see things in black and white, yes or no.
I have learned a lot in my life. One of the things i’ve learned in my life is grit. To keep going when it’s hardest. Sometimes I really feel like I’m not good at this. But at the end of the day all that really matters is that I make small steps in the direction of a Will with more grit.
Authenticity is when the bullshit is put aside and I can see a person. I can see what a person wants and a person needs. I need the idea of authenticity because I second guess myself so much. I know that only the real things will last. What is real and what is important cannot be destroyed.
Authenticity feels played out. That word… sometimes I feel like it has been co-opted by white youtubers living in vans with dreads. I ALSO USED TO think that it was the end all be all. To be authentic is all I need. And I don’t know if that is true… just because I’ll die if I don’t drink water doesn’t mean drinking water is the only thing I need to do.
With this project my goal was to have people open up to each other. I was initially going to get a group of people together, put them in a room, give them techniques to open up emotionally, and then have them perform scenes together. And see what happened.
What I wanted to recreate was a moment I had where I felt super seen and connected to other people. At Lee Strasberg when I was working with a group of other teenagers, I just let my feelings come out. And it was a good feeling. What I experienced that summer was eye opening… I realized a lot of anxiety I had had. I didn’t even know how free I could feel? And I didn’t know how trapped I felt before. I mean, life was good before! But I realized though this acting experience that there is no wrong reaction to anything. Anything you do, that’s what you’re doing.
There have been times when I felt I should live my life with no structure. Just to be authentic. But you know what you are if you’re just authentic and only authentic? An authentic blob on the floor. I believe my life needs structure. Maybe structure isn’t the right word. I mean that I need to live intentionally.
And not just do what is easy. Not everything will be easy.
It is hard to put what I want now into words. I’m learning I guess. I want action, and I don’t know if that makes any sense, but I need action. I need to do and I cannot use my brain so much anymore. I need to do. I need to live my life in the real world. I need intuition, I need sensing, I need feeling, I need sensation, impulse. I need action.
It’s all about finding a balance for me. Right now in my life. I am finding out what’s an appropriate balance of thought and action. I know that I can’t be thinking all of the time, like I am now. And I know that I need thought sometimes. But I want my thought to be necessary and intentional when I decide to use it. “Overthinking is a disease.” 1
- Tolle, Eckhart. The Power of Now. Vancouver: Namaste Publishing, 1997.