Body of Work Reflection #1

(bio, work, aesthetic values, how/process/materials/methods, why, importance, research methods, future progression, goals, steps towards goals)

I’m Rui Xu, painter and artist in the Game Design track of the Design and Technology major in Parsons. From New Jersey suburbs. I have a fine arts background and made the questionable decision to switch to games after trying out fine arts AND fashion, though it seems that none of these three have actually fit me. Oh well.

The work that I’m proud of is mostly paintings, 2D art, and analog/non-digital games and toys, which unfortunately are not a big part of my major. 🙁 I really wish it was, because non-digital games were what I wanted to do in Game Design, but I was poorly informed that the curriculum was totally VIDEO game design…alas, I have survived this far.

I make things because making feels good to me. Making can put me in a “zoning out” state, or a state of flow, where my mind is calm and quiet and I can just do without having to think about anything. This feeling is why I paint. I have made small single-player games before meant to achieve this sort of meditative state – sensations can often be too much for me to process at one time, so the repetitive motions of a brush scooping up paint and globbing it onto a canvas, or or simple games are focusing for me.

I’m a very disadvantaged minority in a lot of ways (young, person of color, disabled, transgender, homeless, bisexual, assigned female at birth, victim of abuse, poor) but none of that really comes into my work? Even if I would like to incorporate those stories into the things I make, I naturally gravitate towards the self-meditative aspect of creating and end up disregarding those themes for my own work. It feels like a bit of a waste? Like I SHOULD be making myself heard – people say to make things about what you know, and I do know these aspects of myself very well. They just feel more apt to explore in therapy than in my art. I don’t know how to insert them in there naturally. And those things make me stressed. I paint to feel calm, not stress. I already have more than enough stress!!!

I do love storytelling in all forms. Storytelling is what initially drew me to games, as games are an interactive storytelling medium. Now, a few semesters in, I realize that I am not a storyteller! I hate words! Words and I do not get along. I don’t like writing. I’m average at writing. I don’t like talking. I want my anxiety to shut up! That’s why I paint – to get the words out of my head, and to have comfort in a medium where there are no words, instead visual indications of feelings and gestures that more closely resemble what is in my head. Stories are something for me to consume or advise on, not so much to make myself. And that’s okay! I wholeheartedly support those for which storytelling fits best.

Visually, my work is generally very colorful and full of movement and life, which is quite contrary to my demeanor lol. I love colors and their vibrancy. I’ve also found that my best work is made quickly. If it takes too long to make, it won’t be great. For example, the holly painting above took about two hours and I love it very much. Everything in it feels natural and organic. The impressions of things and feelings, not necessarily connected to the subject, more towards what I feel at the time of making (general mood, life circumstances, etc.) are important to me. In this way, much of my works acts as sort of a diary or log of how I was doing at the time of making it. This is an unconscious process.

For painting, I don’t really research? Impressionists have been my favorites since adolescence; their philosophy and style have influenced me a lot, though I didn’t realize it until recently. I am most comfortable with oil paints and canvas or board for comfort of the paint itself and for the amount of time I have used it – about 10 years? Oil paint feels like a good friend. The smells, the texture, the tedious cleanup – I love it so much. Feels like home. That’s important since right now I don’t have a home.

For games, research is very important, and while it’s best to play the games to get a feel for how they work, reading up on the rules and watching videos of gameplay work as well. I am a bit over games. Studying them made me realize that I don’t want to work in them lmao and this has happened with most of my graduating class. I’m not great at them either – could be okay with analog games, but there’s not a lot of jobs for that the way there is for programmers, and I can’t program for my life, so I’m doing badly in school.

I think at this point, I would like to be an art educator after school. I do it on the weekends and I love seeing my students improve, I like being an older figure they can talk candidly with who can support them with no reservations. I’ve been teaching and teaching-assisting fine arts for a long time. I’m a good teacher honestly. So I need to get a teaching license and then get a full time teaching job instead of only part time. Teaching older students is fun too, though I don’t get to do it often. Then I can continue painting on the side as a healthy activity for my soul, which is what I do now. It would be nice to sell them, but I have trouble marketing myself. The whole schmoozing social thing that is necessary to get buyers in fine art is really not my thing. I’d never be able to do it.

First, I have to finish undergrad! hahaha. So my short term goal is to learn how to code so I can survive and pass this semester. I am going to weekly tutoring sessions for that and asking for help from my coding teacher, who is far better than the one we had last year.