- What is your fear that you’d like me to explore?
Well, what I’m most afraid of is unintentionally hurting other people. So for example, if someone who is a close friend of mine starts to talk about their personal life, or just something that goes deeper than the friendly jokes and “secrets” we may share (although I never share a secret that I wouldn’t want other people finding out), I feel uncomfortable and sort of shut them down. I can’t handle that feeling of closeness, of responsibility towards other people’s emotions. But this inability to open up and accept the closeness that they want in our relationship ends up offending them and driving them away. That’s what I fear most.
- Where did this fear come from?
Ever since I was a little girl I have always had trouble opening up to people, whether they were my age or older. I was adopted as a baby, luckily with my brother, and because of that my relationship with other people has always been limited. I just don’t see how other people can be in a relationship with the faith that it will never end or at least deteriorate in some way, so in order to protect myself from the pain of important relationships falling apart I just keep myself jaded. But as I’ve grown up I’ve realized that being this way can come off as unfriendly or even mean sometimes and that is where my fear comes from.
- What is the story behind this fear, the story you’d like me to focus on?
So my ex-boyfriend and I were pretty close, dating for about 9 months, and he started to want to get even closer. As I’ve explained, I can’t exactly handle getting too close to people so with this new desire to get closer I couldn’t see myself being with my ex anymore. So what happened is I broke up with him not because of something he did, it was more because of me and my issue with intimacy. I know how much this hurt him, though, and it still bothers me a little bit today that I wasn’t able to be the person and girlfriend that he wanted. I can’t shake the thought that I hurt him by breaking up with him even though I never wanted to hurt him in the first place.
- How old were you when this particular story took place and do you think that your age played a role in the outcome?
I was 16 when he and I first started dating. When we ended it I had turned 17 and was a senior in high school. I think that age might have played a role in the outcome because I feel that if I were maybe older I might know a little bit more about myself and why I struggle with intimacy, which could also help me overcome this struggle. Therefore if I were older, I possibly would have already gotten over my fear of intimacy and wouldn’t even have this fear of hurting others unintentionally.
- Was there any part of the incident that you can still remember vividly?
I do remember the expression on my ex’s face when I told him that I wanted to end the relationship we had (the one of boyfriend and girlfriend, not of friends). His eyes were covered in the slightest of sheens of tears while his face just took on a crestfallen look. I also remember how his shoulders slightly dipped after I told him, but then they perked up a fraction of an inch when I told him that I still wanted to be friends. He really liked that; he understood where I was coming from and respected me and my wish so he seemed to take is as a relief that I still wanted to remain friends despite our partnership ending. That reaction on his part did help me feel a bit better about breaking up with him and hurting him in that way because he seemed to be a little less hurt than what I first expected.
- Did anyone help you through this situation?
No one really helped me through this whole situation because like I said, I don’t like getting close to people which meant I didn’t really have friends that I spoke about this issue with. I don’t really know if I’d even want someone to help me with this because I feel like this was between my ex-boyfriend and I and was something that we needed to take care of ourselves.
- If you could go back and do something different, would you and what would you do?
I don’t really know if I would do something different because in the end I chose to do what I needed to do for myself, which I am glad that I did in the long run. I guess if I could do something different it would be that I wouldn’t have taken so much time to muster up the courage to break up with him. After about 5 months of being with him I realized that I would not be able to be with him the way he wanted to be with me and from that point on I was trying to figure out a way to break up with him. I feel extremely bad that I ended up waiting so long, I mean 4 more months, until actually breaking up with him because I feel as though I was just tricking him and giving him a false hope of a sort by staying with him. But it isn’t exactly possible to go back so all I can do now is try and move on.
