Infinite Memes

The Carse reading makes sense in the way that he argues life as finite/dramatic play (stages in life like getting a degree, a sports game, temporary stuff) and infinite/theatrical play (your whole entire life until you die) as defined by rules agreed by participants but it feels super fucked up to use words like “game” and “play” which are primarily associated with having fun to things in the real world that are not fun at all. There are people who DO view life as a game and who DO differentiate themselves from their actions (I believe this is called dissociation) which can lead to some unfortunate mental health conditions and problems with feeling emotions in general. I don’t know exactly how I feel about this philosophy. Maybe I don’t like it.

On the other side of reality, I can get how the RimWorld guy wants to portray sexualities “true to life” or whatever by using social science statistics, but 1. it’s a game, it’s not real life and 2. you can’t? accurately represent human sexualities like that?? Sexuality is a spectrum that can’t be determined through equations. Because RimWorld is a FICTIONAL world with FICTIONAL characters, if I were him, a more “accurate” representation of human sexuality and attraction would be to make attraction across genders completely random for all characters, just not regarding age groups (aka noooo pedophilia!!!). What is the point of making a fictional world if you subscribe so strongly to statistics from reality in only certain subjects? Takes all the fun out of imagining 🙁

Also, the Internet Express game reminds me of the game Advert Attack on, which can be played here:

I think it’s at least 10 years old, as it last got an update in 2008. Both games use popup ads as a main obstacle. Internet Express is much more relaxing, however.

I know you don’t like us to comment on readings one by one, but I’m not sure what else to write about this week.


i’m having an identity/existential crisis AGAIN. i believe this is the 4th one.

i started thinking about it on friday, when a classmate asked why i transferred into DT, because you must be into tech stuff if you went into DT, right? what kind of games do you like? and i froze up and said “..uh…..casual games?? like the relaxing kind,” which is true, i do enjoy playing those types of games, but i’m really more interested in storytelling through games and interactive media, and THAT’S why i switched into games.

i don’t know anything about technology beyond how to use google drive. i am having a real hard time adjusting to working digitally when i worked almost exclusively analog for my whole life. classmates seem light-years ahead and i feel like i can never catch up, although this is also because i SHOULD be doing tutorials and learning on my own but i just don’t??? i have the potential to do it, and i have the time to do it, and i know i have to do it, but i’m not doing it. i think this is called executive dysfunction? i’ve had it for a very long time but i’ve always been able to deal with workloads adequately because they were in mediums i was familiar with. now i can’t keep up and i feel too embarrassed to ask for help. and i’m also very bad at asking questions? i just can’t come up with questions beyond “why isn’t this thing working” and that’s not helpful to anyone. i was warned about this adjustment/being behind issue by MANY PEOPLE but i didn’t think i would be this bad :'((((

i’m also like…questioning who i am as an artist??????? the “good” games i’ve made so far are simple and meditative ( and they are all like a year old. but this aesthetic is at odds with what i’m interested in??? there are 0000 stories there. and then if i like analog games, then why am i in this program?? why am i here???

like before, some years back when i was painting. i never knew what i was doing during the actual act of painting (the inside sense, this is a very misuse of inside/outside stories) however when i finished the painting, it would be good. i knew myself in the outside sense, in that i was doing oil paintings in my own abstract post impressionisty style to build up my portfolio to get into college. so 2014-me was like:

inside: ????

outside: pretty paintings to make portfolio to go to school

and now 2017-me is like:

inside: unity games to fulfill assignments

outside: ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

i don’t understand how to translate my style across mediums?? i jumped from fine arts to fashion to games and i really don’t know what’s going on or what i’m doing. i like games and i think they’re really interesting but i only got into them in 2016 so there is so much i do not know. i have lots of ideas and little-to-no technical skill. this is something i’ll have to figure out myself, i’m just so confused holy shit

EDIT okay. it’s been 2 days. i talked to Macy about this. she reminded me why i am here. i am here because of Nick. i love Nick. Nick is very inspiring. i care about immersive storytelling and using interactive media and games as a way to tell stories. if my current style doesn’t line up with that, there are more storytelling techniques that i can experiment with whenever. and i can do more than one thing. it is okay to have multiple interests.

right now i am trying to learn. lack of focus is not bad. being uncomfortable and out of my comfort zone is supposed to push me to make new things. according to Kyle the director,

“Please firm your foundation in studios and labs, and get ready to leap out of you confirm zone anytime, and repeat that over and over again! I had an alumnus once told me, ‘the secret to a successful DT experience is to stay outside of your comfort zone as long as possible.’ I think it is pretty spot on!”

so i should stop worrying so much and just do stuff.

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