In retrospect, I think that I lived an extraordinary childhood. At the age of 6, I drove my first racing kart under my fathers influence. I instantaneously fell in love with the sport and soon achieved 3 consecutive victories of the All Japan Championship by the age of 13. As I turned 14, I was recruited by the top team of the European Championship and joined the team as a contracted driver. After 2 years of European experience, I returned to the Japanese racing scene with high hopes. Following an immediate championship victory, I was contracted as Red Bull’s junior program driver to complete in Formula cars. Everything was going smoothly. In fact, a little too smoothly
The world is never easy. During an offseason testing, I crashed into the walls and was diagnosed to have a herniated disc. Everything fell apart before my eyes. My career as a racing driver shattered at the pinnacle of my career, everything I worked for all my life was gone in an instant moment. The world felt empty, it almost felt as if my life had no meaning anymore. Every time I close my eyes, the 12 years instantaneously flash back and leaves me empty hearted. The sensation of defeat, anger and despair took over my mind. The world gradually lost its color, texture, its meaning, everything.
The sensation of adrenaline rushing through my body, the distinctive scent of fuel, and the taste of victory was never coming back to me. The void in me slowly took over me, blurring my vision, distorting reality. It was only natural for me to be in disbelief of what had happened, and be in denial. It hurt to see myself stumbling upon one of the first obstacles while all my rivals and peers proceeded to continue on to their challenge to obtain a seat on the F1 world championship. How could it be that I was the one to get injured out of all the people that could have been? I was devoting everything to the sport and yet, it was me…
Months after the incident, I was at school absentminded. I was at the art room taking my ceramics elective . Not caring about anything, I was taking a nap during the class, until my teacher came by. He pulled me out of the class and asked me what was going on. Not knowing what to tell him, I simply replied saying, “nothing”. However as if he had known what was going on, he said,” You don’t have to keep it in. You can always let it out. Draw it, make it, paint it.” As cliche as it sounds, something in my sparked and the burden I had be carrying felt as if it never existed. I took his advice and expressed my anger, sorrow, joy, everything on the canvas. This broke me free from the void, and helped me come in terms with my emotions. I realized, that the world is not fair and it never will be. There’s nothing I can do but to give myself in, and keep on going. I learned to express my ambivalent emotions instead of suppressing it.
