In August of 2018, I felt that I was moving in the right direction with my life. The past year I had spent doing a culmination of things: working, traveling, and reflecting on what it was I really wanted to focus my energy on in order to advance in life. I knew I had Parsons as my “goal” for the end of the year, however, I did not let that define me. Rather, it was my safety net. Ever since my junior year of high school, I began to doubt whether college was truly the right decision for me. My gap year between senior year of high school and fall semester of college gave me the time to decide if that really was the right thing for me to do. After working as many hours as I could at a typical retail job, and spending weeks at a time away from home with nothing other than that job, I realized how much disdain I had for that field of work. I knew I was going to try and better my life and do something more. In the summer, I had felt as though I was working directly towards that. I was spending hours a week working on music with my friends that I really enjoyed, I was making things that I wanted to when I wanted to, I was going to therapy and felt I had a hold on my mental health for once, and my relationships seemed to be the best they were in a long time. I wasn’t necessarily excited to go to Parsons, for I did not like New York City, living in close quarters with people was sure to give me anxiety, and I can often retreat into my own mental space rather than be outgoing when I should. But I was excited for the opportunity to grow more as an individual and expand my skills both physically and mentally.
However, my first semester in college proved to be a challenge to all of these things that I had been holding on to. Two of my best friends were no longer within close contact to me, one of them was in Japan, making it hard to even communicate through text, and the other was at home, doing school full time as well as working full time. One of my best friends was here with me, however they were completely surrounded by their own work, and issues with family and personal life. My partner that I had been with for the past 3 years was also very far away from me, busy with work, school, and his own music career. I began to feel very suffocated, and at the same time, isolated. I felt overloaded with work, work that I didn’t even necessarily care that much about, overloaded with emotion, anxiety, and there was nowhere to go with it. I had a lot of things thrown my way, and for about two months, I genuinely did not think I’d be able to finish this semester or even be able to continue with my daily life. The first semester was a real challenge, less in terms of work, but more in terms of personal struggle.
I will say that I have learned a lot. My skills in writing, thinking creatively, and even technical skills such as Adobe programs, which previously I had never even used, or drawing had improved greatly. For that I am very proud of myself, and I am grateful for that opportunity. I also learned that maybe I was right and college truly isn’t for me. Maybe I just need to find a different path for myself. I learned that living in a city is also another thing that just might not be for me. Even though there was a great amount of struggle and pain, there are a lot of positives that came out of the situation, and I am hopeful that I can at least make it through the next year or so.
