Parenting can be a struggle. There are courses to teach you the proper ways of swaddling, feeding, and changing a baby, but it is difficult to say what is the best way to raise a child. Because of this, some parents can fall into the trap of being overbearing and feel the necessity to check on their children’s every move, while others choose to push their children towards independency before they are mature enough. Needless to say, this doesn’t mean there aren’t any families that can meet in between and be successful, but there are many families who just can’t find the balance.
My parents grew up as what is known as “latch key kids”. They both immigrated from overseas when they were around the age of eight years old. My mother grew up in a family of thirteen. Her mother lived in America while she lived in the Philippines and by the time my grandmother had enough money to help her immigrate to the US, my grandmother had also built her own new life without her children. Thus my mother grew up primarily raised by her older brothers and sisters. She moved in with my father at the early age of eighteen ready to start building her new life too early.
Similarly, my father grew up taking care of his younger brother alone. My grandfather worked as a Taiwan ambassador. He always travelled around the world leaving my grandmother to care for her children alone. However, she also chose to pursue her own interests and keep herself busy when my father and uncle were growing up. She would work at a beauty parlor for years so she could raise her own spending money. Due to his loneliness, my father become pretty reckless at a young age. My father would often tell me stories of getting kicked out of college, throwing desks out of windows, and engaging in drag races on the streets. However, when he grew up he started realizing his behavior was bad and completely shifted his mindset.
The term “latch key kid” became a commonplace when describing members of Generation X; those who were born from the 60’s to the 80’s.[1] It was used to describe children who were left alone after school to take care of themselves while their parents were away at work. This generation was the first to experience mass numbers of parents dropping their children off at day care.
Before this, the first time children were seen being left home alone so much was during the 40’s when their fathers went off to fight in World War II. Consequently, to support the family, mothers were left to get a job to bring home the annual income. [2]
This shifted for the next generation as most fathers were absent in the family due to the high rate of divorce. When it came to the law and it was time for the two parents would split their belongings, the paternal side did not have much “legal pull”[3], leaving mothers full responsibility to take care of their children alone.
The divorce rate was so high while many women strived to gain independence. This period became transformative for women as they set out to explore political and sexual freedom. Women were participating in this new women’s movement without much financial stability and this ultimately lead to the neglect of many children. In turn, about 40 percent of children who grew up in Generation X turned out to be “latch key kids”. This left the children with little to help guide them, and a research study made in 2004 called The Reach Advisors found that this generation “went through its all-important formative years as one of the least parented, least nurtured generations in U.S. history.”[4]
This becomes a problem because without the proper guidance and nurturing, children are more susceptible to bad behavior and tendencies. They become bored easily when alone and mistrust a lot of those on the outside. It is debatable to say whether or not being a “latchkey kid” was a good or bad thing as children did become more aware and independent. However, according to Nancy Flowers and Steven B. Mertens in “Should Middle School Grades Be Left Home Alone After School?” those who rebelled also could be easily succumbed to peer pressure and would start smoking, drinking, inducing drugs, and participating in sexual activities.[5]
I grew up in the opposite family style from my parents, which is called a “helicopter parent family”. Meaning, I have parents who hover over my every move, whether it is in regards to my education, safety, or social life. “Helicopter parents” aren’t necessarily your average strict parent. They take control of many of their child’s experiences, successes, and failures.
Many “latchkey kids” from 80’s have fears from how they were raised so they now have the encouragement to raise their own children differently. From these fears of repeating their past, some debate that today’s children are being coddled too much to a point where it becomes over bearing. Many families are now seen as providing too much for their children where as back then they had been seen to neglect their children. In today’s society, any signs of neglect towards children would not be accepted or even tolerated in some cases.
When my parents met, they both had grown distant from their families. When they decided to settle down and have a family, my father, like many other “helicopter parents”, vowed they would not repeat his parent’s mistakes of neglecting him as a child. In contrast, my father always overcompensated for everything by making sure I was always productive and doing the right thing. Nothing could be out of order without him getting angry about it. There was always a lot of pressure on me to get in the right business school, have the top grades, and to be the best at everything I do because everything was a competition in his eyes. My mother had been a bit more lenient when it came to parenting, which only made him angrier when something wasn’t done his way.
My parents would often get in fights and stand offs my parents about raising me, money, and conflicts with their families, so there were times I got anxious and depressed throughout high school. But as I grew older and I was ready to go off to college, my father came into conflict with finally letting me go. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to let me leave even though he knew it was time for me to start becoming my own person.
As he released his hold, I started to realize my father has always had the best intentions for us and he wanted to make sure we didn’t go through any of the troubles that he went through in his past.
“Helicopter parenting” usually comes from families who grew up in a highly educated middle class house hold, so they could share their social and financial resources with their kids. A study found that 73 percent of parents in their 40’s or 50’s gave their children financial help in 2013.[6] The fear now is that kids are going to be protected to a point where they become weak and can’t stand up for themselves. It was found that many young adults in their 20’s move around from job to job when the workload isn’t right and they no longer have resilience or good work ethic.[7] In my opinion, whether or not a child grows up as a “latch key kid” or in a “helicopter parent family” they will each grow and mature with age and become independent from their families at their own pace.
There is no saying which direction of parenting is best. Everyone grows up differently and this influences a lot of our thoughts and beliefs. Where we come from becomes who we are as we start to adopt little habits and tendencies our parents teach us.
Works Cited
[1] “A Teacher’s Guide to Generation X Parents.” Edutopia. 2010. Accessed April 19, 2016. http://www.edutopia.org/generation-x-parents-relationships-guide.
[2] “CBC Discusses circa 1939: Who Had It Better- Barbarians or Modern Man? – Home | Rewind with Michael Enright | CBC Radio.” CBCnews. 2014. Accessed April 19, 2016. http://www.cbc.ca/radio/rewind/cbc-discusses-circa-1939-who-had-it-better-barbarians-or-modern-man-1.2819690.
[3] Thomas, Susan Gregory. “All Apologies: Thank You for the ‘Sorry'” The Huffington Post. Accessed April 19, 2016. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-gregory-thomas/all-apologies-thank-you-f_b_931718.html.
[4] “A Teacher’s Guide to Generation X Parents.” Edutopia. 2010. Accessed April 19, 2016. http://www.edutopia.org/generation-x-parents-relationships-guide.
[5] Mertens, Steven B; Flowers, Nancy “Should Middle Grades Students Be Left Home Alone After School?”, September 5, 2006
[6] “Boomer Parenting/Grand-ing.” The Boomer Expert. Accessed April 19, 2016. http://www.theboomerexpert.com/boomer-parentinggrand-ing.html.
[7] “Have Our Kids Gotten Soft? Five Ways to Teach Them Grit.” CNN. Accessed April 19, 2016. http://www.cnn.com/2015/10/14/health/grit-teaching-resilience-children-parenting/.